Meaningful Intimacy on all Levels

     I heard once there were five different types of intimacy: spiritual, intellectual, emotional, social, and physical.  Hopefully none of these need much explanation, but maybe I'll write some posts about each one some day.  Today I want to talk about how understanding and balancing them can lead to greater happiness in our relationships.
     Disclaimer: I am a single guy and haven't actually been in too many relationships, but I want to share what I've learned from the few I've been in.
     In a past relationship my girlfriend and I focused too much on the physical side of things.  I don't think we would have stayed together even if we had done things differently, but perhaps there would have been fewer problems and heartache.
     After I broke up with her I thought a lot about what I wanted in a relationship.  For a while I didn't really care about the physical part of a relationship because things had gone so haywire.  As time went on I decided that I do want that, but I want it in proper balance with the other four areas.  It is my humble opinion that only when all five balance out can we find the greatest happiness in relationships.  How those balance out is between you and your significant other.  I won't even pretend to know how to help you find that balance, except in a general sense.  Not until I've done significantly more research and observation anyway.
       In general relationships will work better when both focus on the first four areas.  If all you care about is physical intimacy you can be satisfied with anyone.  Anyone can hold your hand or kiss and so forth.  But you want more than that.  You want physical intimacy to mean something.  If you are new in your relationship you don't want to feel awkward.
     Focus on the first four and whatever physical intimacy you have will come naturally.  You won't feel awkward and it will be much more meaningful.
     A wise man (a former bishop of mine actually) once told me that "romance was the icing on the cake or the seasoning of a meal."  Physical intimacy on any level is the seasoning, that while important won't sustain you.  You need to have a strong base to a relationship.  Learn to connect with your significant other on the other four levels.  Build your relationship on that base and when you get old and fat and ugly it won't matter.  The things that your relationship is built on will still be there.  When you look for someone to share life with, find someone that you connect with on those four levels.
     I'm still waiting to find someone to build that kind of relationship with, but I know that when I find her it will be well worth the wait.  And when I find her, the effort to strengthen that base will be worth the effort.

First Dates

     The first date.  For some it's simple and easy.  For others it can be one of the most nerve wracking experiences known to man.  And why shouldn't it be? You face an entire evening (or monring or whatever time of day you choose) with a person that you hardly know.  You probably think they are good looking and could be a fun person, or maybe a deep thinker, or the sporty type.  It's a mystery just begging to be solved.  And so we go on a date and see what happens.
     The funny thing is, after that first date you still know nothing about the person!  Sure you can spout off a few random facts about them, but that doesn't tell you anything, and no one really remembers any of that stuff.
     It takes time to really get to know someone.  On a first date no one is really themself.  You have to learn how they really are when they are comfortable enough to be themself.  You have to learn what's really important to them.
     You can't learn enough about a person to decide if you want to be in a relationship with them or not on a first date.  And yet we try to do it all the time.  We try to learn all the superficial stuff at first and then decide if we like that person.
     All that stuff should really come later.  Or rather it will come later.  As a relationship build you will eventually learn all the little details, like their favorite movie, their favorite memory from childhood, who their first grade teacher was.  You'll never stop learning the little things about a person.
     But how can we do it differently?  How can you open up to a person when you first meet them to let them get to know you?  Maybe you can't.  What you can do is this: give it time.  Don't jump to conclusions about people until you get to know them.  Give them a chance to be with you without having any expectations, just go on dates to have fun and see where things go.
     You can certainly build a friendship without having romantic interest.  On the other hand you can't really build a lasting relationship without a foundational friendship.  Frienship is a much more durable commodity than romance.  And when the going gets tough what you really need is a friend, not someone to cuddle, though hugs are certainly helpful after a rough day.
     So go on dates and be friends.  Don't make it more complicated than it really is.  Maybe it won't lead to marriage, but if you can gain a friend, then it is worth it.

Marriage is a Stepping Stone

"Marriage.  That blessed event.  That dream within a dream"

     These few lines from the movie "The Princess Bride" make marriage sound as if it is the cure to all of life's problems.  Most of us know this is far from the truth, but I think there are a few who still see marriage as an end.  Others may say it is only a beginning.  I say it is a stepping stone.

     I used to think that marriage was the end result of a successful relationship.  During my last relationship I began to think of it in a new light.  I wanted to take that relationship as far as it could go, and in my mind that meant marriage.  However as my relationship progressed I realized that relationships go much further than marriage.  If done right the process of learning, growing, and falling ever deeper in love never stops.  The best couples I know are still learning about eachother, even after thirty or more years of marriage!

     I have long known that humans are not static beings, so why would human relationships be so?  They aren't!  Two people are either becoming closer or they are drifting apart.  There are periods of both in any relationship, but the goal is to come closer and closer in the long run.

     With that thought in mind marriage then becomes merely a stepping stone in a relationship.  It shows the man and woman, and the world their commitment to each other.  It also opens the door for a family to begin and greater growth and deeper joy than either of them could ever hope to acchieve by themselves.  From that small step the process continues onward forever, as husband and wife slowly, but surely become one.

     I delve further into this idea with a more spiritual tone, drawing from my religious beliefs here.